What is the worst thing?

I have a friend who always says, "Everyone's worst thing is their worst thing."

We go through life worrying and stressing about many things. I think that most of us have experienced job stress and stress related to our children. Some have been through divorce, child custody battles, personal health problems or any number of other serious issues. When facing problems, we always tend to think that they are the worst thing.

Nevertheless, in my book, facing the end of life for someone you love trumps everything else.

We are trying to balance my mom's congestive heart failure against her kidney failure. This is basically a choice of deaths.

For a friend to complain to me that my "dealing with a dying parent" is not any worse than their job stress just boggles my mind. Everything else is either replaceable or solvable. Death and dying is not. This hurts my heart.

Communication

October 11, 2010

I have done my best to communicate well with all of Mom’s doctor’s and check to be sure that they communicate with each other. However, Mom does not always communicate everything with me.

The evening before we went to see her GP, she experienced chest pain while I was helping her bathe. I got her Nitroglycerin and it went away right away. At the doctor’s, I reminded her to tell him about this, which she did. And he asked if she had been having more of these incidents since her last visit and how often. She said, “Oh, about every two weeks.” At which point the doctor gave me “the look” and asked if I had taken her to the cardiologist recently. Mom had not told me what was going on and when I had asked her about the same question, she just said it had happened a couple of weeks before.

She’s very good about sharing some things, but not others. I think this is a way for her to exert some control over her own life and of trying to protect me from stress and worry. I know that she doesn’t want more aggressive treatment for either her heart or her kidneys. Knowing her medical conditions as well as I do, I can understand this. Each specialist thinks that his organ is the most important. More aggressive treatment for her congestive heart failure will probably damage her kidneys. And she does to want to go on dialysis. This is a decision she made years ago and still maintains. “When you are capable of making informed decisions, your choices should be respected.” (from Ethical and Legal Issues, AGS Foundation)

Mom and the Shelf

October 10, 2010

The other day, Mom pulled the shelf in her bedroom over. She was not hurt, because it did not come down on top of her. She said she didn’t know what happened. “It just came down.” Well, she just wanted to see what was in the gift package that I set on the top shelf. I put the package up there a week ago and told her and showed her what was in it—a quilt for Audra’s baby. I wanted a place to put it where or nosy cats would not get into it.

My bad. I should not have put it up there. She saw it up there and didn’t remember it at all. So she wanted to see what it was. The shelf tipped over because she used it to pull herself up and reach to the top. There’s no other way she could have gotten the package down.

She said earlier in the week that she thought she had a little stroke. I think she probably did. She’s a little more confused than would be normal. I need to clean the shelf off and remove the things on the top. Now I know that I need to “baby proof” the house more–as much as possible given our situation.

There’s always another thing. The situation changes, but I don’t always know something has changed until after the fact. I feel like I should be able to anticipate things, but I never seem to be able to.

Our Diaper Party
October 4, 2010

On Saturday, we attended a baby diaper party for my niece, Katie, thrown by her sister, Audra.These two, both pregnant, have been a tremendous help to me, coming to help with cleaning.

I was struggling with trying to manage everything when a counselor advised me to ask for help. “After all, the worst thing that can happen is that they can say no.” So I called the girls and asked for just a little help with housecleaning. Audra said, “We were just waiting for you to ask.” They have been alternating weeks and it has been such a help. To me, it’s more than physical help–although that is a very big thing. It’s a tangible way of showing love. Every time I see them, I am reminded that I “only had to ask”, that someone else appreciates what I do, that they care and that I DO have blessings.

Being in the Moment
October 3, 2010

This week in our caregiving class, we watched a film, “Complaints of a Dutiful Daughter,” by Deborah Hoffmann. In this film, Ms. Hoffmann documents her struggle with accepting her mother’s Alzheimer’s disease. In the beginning, she tried to correct her mother’s faulty memory, tried to make things right and normal.

Eventually, she came to the conclusion that being right was not as important as being there and enjoying the moment. When her mother no longer recognized that this was her daughter, she could still accept that this was a friend. Once she accepted her mother as she was at that moment, she was able to enjoy the time spent with her.

Ms. Hoffman expresses what I think we all feel, that our memories and cognitive abilities make us who we are. It is so extremely difficult to see someone you love lose so much of themselves and their past. Yet, once we can accept that they still have value and can still enjoy life, if in different ways than before, we can perhaps achieve some level of peace. And perhaps we can find moments of happiness. It may be just the very simple and basic act of sharing the same space.

When our loved one is physically suffering, it becomes even more difficult. Sometimes, no matter how much we love them, it can be incredibly difficult to deal with. I pray for patience, for strength, for understanding and the knowledge to provide what my mother and brother need. I find it helps to reach out and share. Most of the time, I don’t need someone to solve my problems. I just need someone to listen.

Small Drama, Big Drama

September 27, 2010

I was perplexed at a friend’s reaction earlier this week. She lost an inexpensive camera that was old, but she had enough money to buy a new one right away. However, she said that she cried all day over this. Her reaction seemed extreme for the loss of a ‘thing’.

Then I had to go to the mechanic on Friday and in my rush to get out of work on time, I left my wallet at work. This had me anxious and nearly in tears. Everyone at the auto shop was very nice about it. I am, after all a returning customer.

And I knew right away where it must be. I know that I am always very tired by the end of the week. Lately, often become inordinately upset over seemingly little things. Over past several years, I have had to deal with so many big crises in dealing with my mother’s—and now my brother’s—health issues, and to be reasonably calm, cool and rational for their sakes, while doing so.

In thinking about it, I have come to the conclusion that, it’s the little things that push me over the edge. I think some part of me says I shouldn’t have to deal with the ‘normal’ annoyances of life when I am handling so much more. Maybe I am on emotional overload by the end of the week. Or maybe it’s just ‘safe’ to let go when dealing with something that is not life threatening.

This put a different perspective on my friend’s reaction. I am still learning, trying to learn, how to take a deep breath and put things in perspective.