Questions

After years of helping others,  doing what I thought I was supposed to do, both as RS President and as a person attempting to be a disciple, I find myself once again questioning.

How is it that so few people are willing to help others?

How is it that so many people are so judgmental?

Where and how do I draw the line between watching outdoorsy own interest and helping others?

And the most troubling question: How can those in leadership positions not show more empathy? And how can I honestly feel fellowship for those I can no longer trust?

What Now?

Mom has been gone for nine days now. I find it really hard to write or think or talk about Mom. I just can't believe she's gone. On Monday aftgernoon, she was improving and the doctros expected to send her home on Thursday. Then Monday night I was called back to the hospital. I raced to get there and just got to hold her hand for a minute. Mom overcame so many things and bounced back form everything that I really expected her to bounce back once more.

Mom has been the rock of our family for so long. And caregiving, and especially Mom, has been the main focus of my life for so long. Now all I can think of is that my life is so empty.

Mom was SO happy just to have me around the house. I had hoped to be retired before now and to be able to spend some time with Mom. I had hoped to do some minor fix ups on the house and to spend more time just talking to Mom.

When I told Mom that I wanted her to stick around for a while yet she said, "What?! Do you expect me to live forever?" I didn't want to let go. I am glad that she no longer has to endure the pain. I am thankful that she had a peaceful, easy passing. But, oh, I miss her so much!

There's Always One More Thing

I remember thinking that I would never again book three appointments in one week because it made me crazy. Never say never. This past week I had three appointments before Friday, when I had five on one day. Needless to say, I took the entire day off from work to do this.

On Monday, I took time to turn in my retirement paperwork. I felt such an overwhelming sense of relief and lightness once I did this. My official retirement date is May 28th. I am dealing with an increased number of doctor's visits for Mom and lack of time to take care of my own health. And I really feel like I am not working at my job at the level I expect of myself. I find myself wishing that I had done this earlier.

We are still fighting Mom’s pressure sore problems. It gets better and then gets a little worse. This was one of our Friday appointments. The doctor prescribed another ointment and said he is going to schedule a home health nurse to come out. I hope that this will be a good thing. It feels like I am failing at my job of taking care of Mom. But I just want to be sure that this heals.

Fortunately, our first three Friday appointments were all at the same place. On the way home from these, I had a minor accident. Going around a curve, there was a big commercial truck pulling a heavy equipment trailer in the lane next to me. The trailer swung out a little too far and hit the right rear of my vehicle. No one was hurt and my car is drivable, but it took a more than an hour on scene to deal with the paperwork and then another hour on the phone. And I had to re-schedule the afternoon appointments. The most difficult thing for me is the extra time off from work and the extra hassle I will have to deal with to get the car fixed. I just don't want to deal with one more thing.

Does Anybody Really Care?

I used to love my job. I have put a lot into making my position valuable to the school. I used to feel that I contributed something valuable. I still think that I have contributed a lot to the school. I just don't think that anyone really cares how I am doing.

Now that people know that I’m going to be retiring, people who haven't made the time before to come get training on various software, now want me to put in extra time to teach them these things before I retire.

I got deathly sick at work on Friday afternoon. I had to crawl under a table to change a network cable. When I got up, I thought I was going to pass out. Then I got nauseous. So I ran to the bathroom and threw cold water on my face. Even so, I still felt nauseous and dizzy. I was working with a teacher at the time and she was upset with me when I told her I was sick and was going to have to go home. I sent e-mails (that I was sick and was going home) to the appropriate people and got back some "cute" comments. I have no desire to do this anymore.

My long-time co-worker begged me to stay at work until the end of May. The other person in our area was engaged to be married to a career military man (military intelligence). He got an overseas assignment and she was able to go with him now--or wait a year. So they got married this past weekend and she is gone. So I am going to try to stay until the end of May, but I may need to take more time off than I expected.

I applied for Social Security. For some reason I don't understand, I can't get it until July. If I retire at the end of May, I may not get anything from my pension until July. I just don't know how fast they process things. Fortunately, I have a little bit of a financial buffer so that we can get through a couple of months, if necessary.

I am so "done" mentally with this job.

Whirling Dervish

It's Saturday!

Today I need to:
Shop: I need to hit four to five stores (pet store, discount store, drug store, large bulk items store, ?something for me?)
Clean: All Floors (vacuum & mop), bathrooms, cats' spraying, cats' boxes & food.
Cook: Meals for next week.
Make copies: Church program for tomorrow.

So . . . What am I doing sitting here blogging? Just wanted to take a moment before I become a whirling dervish. :)

I am a coward. I admit it.

I dread dealing with anything legal, or new, or different.

Today, I was finally able to take off long enough to get his vehicle titles changed into my name so that I can do something with them. I cried on the way to the DMV. It seems like I cry every time I have to deal with closing or ending one more aspect of his life. That’s part of it, of course. . . really ending things. Another part is dealing with authority figures. Since I teach every day, you wouldn’t think these things would bother me. It’s not really that bad and shouldn’t bother me so much!

I think I learned this feeling of dread when Mom lost her leg. I could never have imagined how hard it would be to see her suffering and be unable to really do anything to alleviate it. After the initial days of thinking that at any moment we would lose her, the days of hospital, critical care and rehab seemed endless. During the initial weeks in ICU, I had to make a number of difficult decisions regarding procedures and her care. And after those initial weeks, everyone else went back to their normal lives and almost totally disappeared. No one called; no one came. At least not until I threw a hissy fit. (Maybe I expected too much of people.)

And then there was a year of doctor’s visits and tests nearly every day and rehab every other day--while still working. Rushing here and there...four hours a day of driving.

When Wes had his stroke, I dreaded dealing with a whole new set of doctors and testing labs and financial/legal concerns. Once again, I was off to doctors and tests nearly every day. It seemed like deja vu all over again.Now that he is gone, I wonder If I would have pushed harder for more tests and treatment if I had not dreaded the whole process so much. Or would I just have been needlessly putting him through more stress?

So, I got through one more dreaded ending today and most of them are done.

Now...back to dealing with Mom’s myriad of doctors.

A Common Life

For many years, I have loved this poem by Emily Dickinson:

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain

I think this aptly applies to those of us who take on the role of caregiving.This has been a comfort to me, when I have felt that life was passing me by and when I become frustrated, tired and angry. What I am doing has value.

And I recently came across another quote which really hit home:

“I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough”. --Nicholas Sparks, from his novel: 'The Notebook'

Isn’t it enough to have loved and to have eased one pain? Sisters!