What Now?

Mom has been gone for nine days now. I find it really hard to write or think or talk about Mom. I just can't believe she's gone. On Monday aftgernoon, she was improving and the doctros expected to send her home on Thursday. Then Monday night I was called back to the hospital. I raced to get there and just got to hold her hand for a minute. Mom overcame so many things and bounced back form everything that I really expected her to bounce back once more.

Mom has been the rock of our family for so long. And caregiving, and especially Mom, has been the main focus of my life for so long. Now all I can think of is that my life is so empty.

Mom was SO happy just to have me around the house. I had hoped to be retired before now and to be able to spend some time with Mom. I had hoped to do some minor fix ups on the house and to spend more time just talking to Mom.

When I told Mom that I wanted her to stick around for a while yet she said, "What?! Do you expect me to live forever?" I didn't want to let go. I am glad that she no longer has to endure the pain. I am thankful that she had a peaceful, easy passing. But, oh, I miss her so much!

There's Always One More Thing

I remember thinking that I would never again book three appointments in one week because it made me crazy. Never say never. This past week I had three appointments before Friday, when I had five on one day. Needless to say, I took the entire day off from work to do this.

On Monday, I took time to turn in my retirement paperwork. I felt such an overwhelming sense of relief and lightness once I did this. My official retirement date is May 28th. I am dealing with an increased number of doctor's visits for Mom and lack of time to take care of my own health. And I really feel like I am not working at my job at the level I expect of myself. I find myself wishing that I had done this earlier.

We are still fighting Mom’s pressure sore problems. It gets better and then gets a little worse. This was one of our Friday appointments. The doctor prescribed another ointment and said he is going to schedule a home health nurse to come out. I hope that this will be a good thing. It feels like I am failing at my job of taking care of Mom. But I just want to be sure that this heals.

Fortunately, our first three Friday appointments were all at the same place. On the way home from these, I had a minor accident. Going around a curve, there was a big commercial truck pulling a heavy equipment trailer in the lane next to me. The trailer swung out a little too far and hit the right rear of my vehicle. No one was hurt and my car is drivable, but it took a more than an hour on scene to deal with the paperwork and then another hour on the phone. And I had to re-schedule the afternoon appointments. The most difficult thing for me is the extra time off from work and the extra hassle I will have to deal with to get the car fixed. I just don't want to deal with one more thing.