Holiday Dinner

Now that all of the kids are grown and have homes and families of their own, they rotate hosting holiday dinners. This year, the youngest boy and his wife have a house, rather than an apartment, and hosted for the first time. Everyone contributes to the dinner, so that all of the work doesn’t fall on one family. (I contribute my special dinner rolls.) They always fix special portions to meet Grandma’s dietary needs.

It makes me feel good to see that they all have married special people and that they get along so well together. It’s so great to see them all working together and just automatically helping with each other’s children…and children that automatically go to any adult in the family for help or attention.

We have a lot to be thankful for.

Birthday Dinner

Sunday, November 7th, was Mom's 92nd birthday. My brother was in town from Missouri and the kids had a birthday dinner for Mom. It's always good to be able to visit and catch up with each other. Mom was not feeling too good, but enjoyed herself just the same. Mom loves holding the babies and visiting with everyone.

The Blinds

November 4th, 2010

When I was young and shared apartments, we always had a division of responsibilities. Every Saturday, each roommate's chores rotated. Everything got done (usually) and the work was divided evenly (mostly). Every so often, over the years, I look at some chore and think, "I sure wish I had a chore wheel and I could point to someone else whose turn it was to clean the bathroom or the kitchen or . . . ."

I hate being the "man of the house." I have learned that "if it is to be, it's up to me." Needless to say, a lot of things don't get done around here. But I do get to open the blinds and unlock the doors in the morning and close the blinds and lock the doors every night. Day after day, night after night. I love our blinds, but they represent the fact that I am in charge. The blinds are the least of the things I am responsible for. But they are always, always there, every day, every night.

Respite Space

November 4th, 2010

We have had quite a number of guest speakers in our caregiving class. One such was an architect who specializes in universal design. One of her concepts is that our homes should have designated spaces. There are “dangerous spaces”; there should be at least one “safe space” and at least one “respite space”. What are dangerous and safe spaces? A “dangerous space” is any area or room which the caree cannot be safely left alone in. This might not apply to every one’s situation, but it is something to think about and to check out. As I have learned, I need to “Mom-proof” things. A safe space would be a room or area where your loved one can be safe without being watched or having someone with them. And then there is the “respite space”. This is a space where the caregiver can go to be alone, to be private, to take a nap, to read, or whatever for a short break.

So I have made my bedroom my respite space. Previously, I have always left my door open except when I am dressing. Now I have started trying to take some respite time for myself.

When I get too tired or stressed out, I can tell Mom and Wes that I need to rest for a bit. I am trying to get them used to the idea that sometimes I need some alone time. Sometimes I have more of a problem with this than they do. If I can go in my room and just be quiet for 15 minutes or half an hour, it helps me tremendously.

"Say a Good Good-Bye"

October 28th, 2010

As we look forward to Thanksgiving, I am reminded of advice that I read long ago. It was to “say a good goodbye.”

Remember that on 9/11 those people who knew they were about to die called those they cared about to tell them they loved them. This author suggested that we not wait until the end of life to tell people we love them. He suggested that we regularly sit down and think about what we would say to people, if we knew that this was the last time we could communicate with them. What would you tell them about what you are thankful for in your relationship with that person? What do you admire in that person? What would you want them to know? Tell them now.

When Mom lost her leg and was in critical condition for so long, I never knew when I left her bedside if I would see her alive again. I made it a point to kiss her cheek and tell her I loved her. Since I am less than perfect, I am sometimes less than patient. Then I need to give myself a time-out and try to think of what I am thankful for.

Shopping Lesosn

October 24th, 2010

This weekend was our “big” shopping weekend. I have been taking my brother along shopping with me. I have told him that I need the help lifting and carrying things since I had my hand surgery, which is true. It also makes him feel useful and gets him out of the house. It also tends to be stressful for me, since I have to walk slower so that he can keep up with me and I always need to keep an eye on him so that he doesn’t become overwhelmed by the people there.

We went to the big warehouse club store to stock up. Since it was close to noon when we were done, I thought we would get hot dogs there. I thought he had been doing better, so I asked him to take the cart and get us a table while I got the hot dogs and drinks. I knew this was a mistake right away. He got about 10 feet away and, with a lot of people moving around him, he just froze. I could see that he was confused and unsure of what to do. Fortunately, the line for food moved fast and I got to him in just a couple of minutes.

We talked about this in my caregiving class: that people with any form of dementia can become confused and upset in crowds or unfamiliar situations and that, as caregivers, we are their lifeline. Since he has regained a few basic IADL skills, I assumed he could handle this. It still seems so strange that I need to watch over him as I would a child. And yet, I need to try to treat him as an adult.

We did enjoy the hot dogs, though.

This Morning

October 18th, 2010

This morning I was feeling pretty proud of myself. I got breakfast made for everyone (not too hard: cereal, fruit & pills), cleaned the kitchen counters and microwave, one bathroom sink and changed one bed. After sitting down to eat and getting Mom and Wes started on their day, I was still able to get off to work on time. I was feeling downright smug until I was about halfway to work and realized I had forgotten my glasses. So I spent my workday squinting at computer screens…and reminding myself to laugh at myself.