I am a coward. I admit it.

I dread dealing with anything legal, or new, or different.

Today, I was finally able to take off long enough to get his vehicle titles changed into my name so that I can do something with them. I cried on the way to the DMV. It seems like I cry every time I have to deal with closing or ending one more aspect of his life. That’s part of it, of course. . . really ending things. Another part is dealing with authority figures. Since I teach every day, you wouldn’t think these things would bother me. It’s not really that bad and shouldn’t bother me so much!

I think I learned this feeling of dread when Mom lost her leg. I could never have imagined how hard it would be to see her suffering and be unable to really do anything to alleviate it. After the initial days of thinking that at any moment we would lose her, the days of hospital, critical care and rehab seemed endless. During the initial weeks in ICU, I had to make a number of difficult decisions regarding procedures and her care. And after those initial weeks, everyone else went back to their normal lives and almost totally disappeared. No one called; no one came. At least not until I threw a hissy fit. (Maybe I expected too much of people.)

And then there was a year of doctor’s visits and tests nearly every day and rehab every other day--while still working. Rushing here and there...four hours a day of driving.

When Wes had his stroke, I dreaded dealing with a whole new set of doctors and testing labs and financial/legal concerns. Once again, I was off to doctors and tests nearly every day. It seemed like deja vu all over again.Now that he is gone, I wonder If I would have pushed harder for more tests and treatment if I had not dreaded the whole process so much. Or would I just have been needlessly putting him through more stress?

So, I got through one more dreaded ending today and most of them are done.

Now...back to dealing with Mom’s myriad of doctors.